Losing you
by Lilja Rainheart
Summary: I got the prompt: "Kili's thoughts as he sees his brother (seemingly) being crushed to death during the fight of the stone giants." and this is what I made out of it.


Disclaimer: I don't own The Hobbit or any of the characters.

Comments: I feel like the style is different from what I usually write… oh well ^^ Guess it figures but, italics = flashback.

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**Losing you**

The company of dwarves (and Bilbo) reached the Misty Mountains days after they had left Rivendell. With every passing day the weather had turned more sour and by the time they reached the mountain passes, it had become cold, an icy wind lashing at them and rain pouring down. It had been hard enough to walk on the narrow path before but in this weather, all they could do was concentrate on where to set their feet on the slippery stones. A simple mistake would end badly: to their right it didn't go anywhere but down and whoever fell was surely destined to die.

A distant rumbling announced the arrival of a thunderstorm. Not uncommon at this time of the year and especially not in the mountains where the weather tended to be unpredictable anyway.

Kili believed his mood couldn't get any worse. He was tired, he was freezing and he was completely soaked. He pulled the hood of his cloak deeper into his face, not that it helped much when it was drenched already, and continued to sulk quietly. He knew complaining wouldn't be any good… everyone else was likely to entertain very similar thoughts.

"Stone giants!" someone suddenly shouted over the noise of the thunder. Kili looked up and then he saw one of them. A huge creature made completely out of stone, right at the other side of the canyon. The young dwarf had heard of them before, but he had always believed them to be mythical creatures, nothing that really existed.

His eyes widened when he realised the thing was about to throw a boulder in their general direction. He took a step back, pressing himself against the stone wall and trying to find a crevice in the slippery rocks to hold onto while the ground below them shook from the impact and stones rained down over them.

Kili shot a side glance at his brother who had been walking behind him, just to check if he was okay. Fili looked back at him, giving him a reassuring smile. In moments like these, it was great to have his brother here with him. Not that Kili would have been allowed to join Thorin's company without his older brother (he was the youngest of them, after all) or that he'd even wanted to. Sure, the word "adventure" alone had caught his attention and he was aching to prove to himself and everyone else that he was a grown-up dwarven warrior. But without his brother? That wouldn't have happened…

Where Fili went, there Kili went, too. And if Fili had decided they were to stay home, that would have been the final decision. Luckily, their thoughts on adventures were similar and so it hadn't even taken them a moment to decide about going. The only person worried about them had been their mother who had threatened their uncle that she was going to be the cause of his death if he dared to not get both of them back alive.

It was only a moment later that they realised they had been standing on a second stone giant themselves. Or rather, a part of their group had. The ground split up right between Fili and Kili as the stone giant tore himself away from the rocks.

"Kili! Grab my hand!" Fili shouted and Kili reached for his brother to pull him over to the safe side but the gap had already become too big and his hand only seized the empty air. Kili was vaguely aware of someone grabbing the back of his cloak to prevent him from falling but he himself had become paralysed. He looked at his brother in utter shock while the rocks drifted apart further, the dwarves standing on it becoming a tiny detail in the stone giants' battle.

Then everything seemed to happen in slow-motion, although it was really just a matter of seconds. The stone giants continued to fight, lurching the dwarves through the air, and then one of the creatures stumbled. The one to which Fili and the others still clung to. Everyone watched in horror as the giant fell, smashing into the rocks ahead of them.

Kili wanted to call out his brother's name, but not a sound came out and when he heard someone shout Fili's name, it was Thorin's voice booming across the canyon. There was no way anyone could have survived that crash and it took a moment until that registered in Kili's head. His brother was gone, dead… he had lost him.

This was a horrible nightmare and Kili wanted nothing but to wake up from it. He'd had those nightmares before, dreams in which his brother had died, and he had woken up screaming from them every time. But this was no dream. This was reality.

Kili didn't know what to do. He just wanted to break down and cry and mourn the loss of his brother. But his pride held him together. He knew Fili would want to see him strong. The threat hadn't passed yet and the last thing Fili would want was his brother following him into death.

Suddenly a memory from decades ago re-surfaced in Kili's mind. A situation not unlike this one. Just that their roles had been reversed… and it had ended well.

_"Kili, watch out for the stones!" Fili shouted at his little brother who was far too close to the raging river for his taste. "They're wet and slippery. You'll fall in!"_

_"I won't fall!" Kili shouted back, "I can watch my step and you don't have to baby me every time. I'm old enough to take care of myself!" With that, Kili stuck his tongue out at his older brother. Why did he have to act like their mother now? _

_They had been playing near the river since they had been really small, countless times, and just because the snowmelt had caused the river to swell… that didn't mean he didn't know what he was doing. Or so he thought until he lost his footing on a particularly slippery stone and suddenly found himself immersed in icy cold water. _

_When Kili woke up, he was back home in his bed. He felt miserable and was still cold, but the blazing fire and the warm blankets over him helped a little. He blinked and saw Fili sitting next to him, his grey eyes widening when he noticed his brother was awake. "Oh, thank god!" he exclaimed and hugged Kili tightly. _

_"You truly have the luck of a fool…" Fili said and Kili learned later that Fili had tried to save him, but the current had been too strong. And if it had not been for some older dwarves being a little further down the river when Kili fell in and them fishing him out more by chance than anything else, he would have drowned that day._

Back then, Kili hadn't understood. Couldn't process what it had felt like for Fili when he thought his little brother had died and he hadn't been able to save him. Now he did. And he wished for nothing but to be oblivious again.

Kili hadn't moved and he didn't know how much time had passed since he had been lost in thought… But suddenly someone from ahead shouted "They're here, they're okay!" and Kili's head snapped up. He didn't care about anyone else, he just needed to see his brother, see if he was really still there. And when he rounded the corner and saw Fili, still on the ground from the fall, but not majorly hurt apparently, it felt like the biggest load off his mind. Kili was next to his brother within seconds, pulling him up and into a tight embrace. He didn't care what anybody thought, he had his brother back and that was all that mattered to him right now. Fili hugged him back just as tightly.

Fili was alive and breathing and well, except for a few scratches. But after what he had just witnessed, this seemed so unreal, so impossible, that Kili just couldn't let go of his brother. It felt like, would he not hold on, Fili might just disappear.

"I thought you were dead," Kili whispered into Fili's hair, still not letting go. "But I'm not… I'm here, everything's fine," Fili whispered back. Kili nodded. They were both so relieved, they didn't even notice how they almost lost their burglar and Thorin had to save the hobbit from falling to his death.

They only broke apart when Thorin announced that they had to find a shelter for the night and walked up to them afterwards. "Are you okay?" he asked Fili and when his older nephew nodded, he hugged him briefly. "Get going then," Thorin told both of them and after a firm pat on Kili's shoulder, he walked on to lead the dwarf company forward.

After they settled down in the cave, Kili still refused to leave Fili's side. "I almost lost you forever…" he said quietly and looked at his brother who smiled at him. "But you didn't. We were lucky," Fili reassured him. Kili nodded. Luck was probably the right word to describe the situation. They had been unbelievably lucky.

Kili brushed a strand of hair out of his brother's eyes and looked at a small cut at Fili's temple, probably from the fall. "I should clean that…" he said. "It's nothing, just a scratch," Fili replied. "A scratch that will get infected if I don't clean it, you got dirt in it," Kili insisted and took a piece of cloth out, pouring water from his flask on it. Fili chuckled. "You're worse than Mother…" Kili hummed. "Hmm… you've looked after me for so long, I think it's time I start returning the favour."

"There, all done," Kili said a few minutes later and leaned forward to press a chaste kiss on Fili's temple. Fili smiled but Kili noticed his brother blushing slightly. "Not when everyone can see us…" he whispered and Kili just shook his head, chuckling.

Later, when everyone had laid down to get a few hours of rest, the brothers had retired to the furthest corner of the cave, shielding them from prying views as much as possible. "Were you scared?" Kili asked quietly as not to disturb the others. Fili in front of him nodded slowly. "I was… I still am, sort of. This won't be the last dangerous situation we'll get in. What if one of us…" he trailed off. "Don't say that," Kili said, "I don't want to think about it." "Yeah…" Fili agreed quietly.

"Kili?" Fili spoke up again a while later. "Hmm?" "Can you… hold me tonight? I will be brave again when I need to but please just hold me tonight…" Fili's voice was barely even a whisper and Kili knew he was embarrassed to ask something like that of his brother, his younger brother. But he didn't comment on it, just wrapped his arms around Fili, pulling him into an embrace and kissing his forehead.

Little did they know that they had barely time left before both of them needed to be brave again…


End file.
